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or… The list of things you hope you don’t get for Father’s Day

Since Father’s Day is here, I really wanted to do something special for all the Dads.  Just one problem, though.  I’m not and can never become a Dad.  So, since that’s the case, I now turn to the expert.  jak, it’s all you.

I apologize, dear readers. Last year I promised to write Cimmorene a corresponding list to her What Not to get your Mother for Mother’s Day post, and I didn’t get to it. This year, I’m late (go easy on me, we’re on Pacific Time), and I’m sure that most of you have either gotten your Father’s Day gifts (or cards) by the time you all read this, either for your own fathers, or because you are a father. Hopefully you escaped this list of abominations.

1) Neckties. Bad ties have long been a staple of Father’s Day jokes now. Yes, you know what I mean. The more loud, garrish, and novelty they are, the more likely they will be a bad tie that fathers only trot out to please those who bought them the tie.

For the record, my daughter got me a tie. I probably won’t be able to wear it, because I’m a relatively tall fatso big man, but it was black with thin stripes. Men’s clothing is fairly conservative– the great fashion designers will indeed tell you that. More than likely, it will be put on my son, who even at 7 years of age is growing fast enough that it will fit him in time (at least with a full Winsor knot).

2) Novelty gifts. Think about it for a moment… yeah, you know what I mean. On the one hand, we have gifts that would be labeled “white elephant” or gag gifts. Now, I love bottles of hot sauce, and will probably use even those ones labeled blisteringly hot. (Remind me to regale you with the tale of my daughter coming home and asking me if I had tried “The Man” sauce.) But I suspect that the vast majority more of fathers will relegate it to a display shelf, possibly at work, or those silly abominations our society calls “man caves”. (I believe in “dens” and “workshops” that the women in my family are welcome to use, and I choose to participate in interior design.)

This remains true for the other class of novelty gifts which are essentially office toys. I’m talking about the desktop punching bag, the mini pool table, and those other dreadful gifts the department stores– bargain and high-scale alike– roll out at this time. I doubt that many actually get used… they tend to be conversation pieces. Although I was merely a volunteer for my office experience, I’m pretty sure you can trust me on this one.

Speaking of ties and novelty, Bill Cosby summed it up pretty well. Here’s how it was presented on The Cosby Show:

Granted, he’s sticking to the wearable stuff. (Does soap on a rope even exist anymore?) But there are plenty of things that look just as ridiculous on a shelf or desk space.

3) Cologne. Even Lance Burson mentioned cologne (Brute by Fabergé) and ties as silliness.

But I’m particularly picky. I can’t stand the smell of most perfumes and colognes, whether they be for men or for women. Cimmy knows that I have to smell even the soaps, body washes, and shampoos… if they aggravate and assault my senses with unpleasantness, they’re out. (Cimmorene gets a say too, if you were wondering.)

4) Other minor clothing items and personal care items.

Lance also mentioned socks as silly; there’s a reason little boys dread argyle socks and underwear for Christmas. I doubt that many fathers will feel differently about them on Father’s Day. And I think the same consideration holds true as Cimmorene mentioned in her Mother’s Day: What NOT To Give Her post. You want to send the message of “Dad, this is a relaxing treat”, not “Dad, your hygiene and grooming stinks.”

And that’s about it. I’ll be back with some good suggestions that hopefully all good fathers who blog and are loved by bloggers received.

Although this idea was brewing for a year or two, I was inspired by 10 Things NOT To Get For Father’s Day by Marcia Kester Doyle (Menopausal Mother at Blogger). Please don’t send me any SpongeBob ties or beer, however.

So, Dads, is there anything jak missed?  What are some of the worst Father’s Day gifts you’ve ever gotten?  What’s one thing you’d love to get that your kids persist in never getting you.  Talk to us!  We want to hear your story and, to all the Dads out there…

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