I’d just learned the identity of my Secret Admirer (Mr. P), he had asked me to be his girlfriend, I had put him squarely in the friend zone and he had flamed me in a two page handwritten letter. My considered response?
I wrote him back.
My letter back was much simpler than his and I don’t remember, verbatim, what I said in it. The basic idea of it was as follows.
Dear Mr. P,
Why are you so angry? Why did you have to say so many scary, hurtful things? Don’t you know that you still have a chance? Don’t you understand that, as my friend, you can still earn my love?
Surprisingly, that did the trick. He returned to behavior I considered normal. He continued coming home from school with me and my dad. Also, he started to show an interest in my church. Still, all things considered, I was surprised when he told me he was being baptized.
Shortly after this, he invited me to visit his aunt for Christmas. His aunt had mistletoe up in a doorway and I didn’t notice it until I was beneath it with Mr. P. My reaction was horror followed by frenzied backpedalling. I felt that I had been trapped beneath the mistletoe specifically so that Mr. P could get a kiss out of me.
However, my fear frightened me more than the prospect of being kissed beneath the mistletoe did. As my father’s daughter, I decided to do some research. Over the next several years, I visited any number of libraries and learned about sex and tried to figure out why I was so frightened. Many of the books I read could have been considered pornographic.
Finally, I figured that the only way to know for sure why I was afraid was to experience it firsthand. It won’t come as a surprise to you at this point that, generally speaking, victims of child sexual abuse tend to move in one of two directions: Asexual or oversexual. As you have seen, I had been asexual. Now, I was moving rapidly toward the other end of the spectrum.
Were you ever afraid to kiss someone under the mistletoe? If you were what was your reaction? If you were ever frightened of something, would you ever do research to figure out why, or am I the only one who does that? Talk to me, I really want to know.